I really feel like a pubescent butt sniffer again (it’s ok, I mean that in the colloquial sense). I have all the telltale signs: mood swings, fantasies of being strapped down against my will while having macaroni and cheese shoved down my throat, spontaneous and unpredicted bouts of sobbing (see: mood swings), obsessive finger curling of my hair, eating my own fingernails, being too lazy to consider doing laundry, and general distractedness (debatably early onset dementia).
All I’ve done the past three nights is sit in bed with kendrick cranked to 1 above mute so that my white yuppie roommates don’t get spooked to find that their well behaved Asian roommate blasts rap while eating 6 take-out containers of Chinese food alone in granny panties from 6th grade. And after that, you can find me choking down whatever candy and “oriental” snack mixes (thanks Lisa) I can find stuffed in unmarked plastic bags on the floor, making phone calls to friends and family to feel less embarrassing. But even if this all makes me feel like a cheap prostitute, I can’t get enough of it. I stretch out to lay on my newly dressed bed (thanks for the sheets, mama) and feel like a P.I.M.P. as I melt into my flannel sheets and picture gold chains and jewels falling weightlessly from the sky, Kendrick bumping in the background “I been hustlin all day this a way, that a way…,” the taste of chinese food stuck in my throat and a smile spreading across my face like a pair of tanned & oiled legs easing into splits. And I succumb to a complete state of relaxation that I never want to wake up from. Today it feels damn good to be 21 and hungry.
I’m in a general state of existential malaise right now, so am posting this as my Jan. 22nd/23rd mood picture. More specifically, it really just makes me wanna cuddle up in bed and eat myself slowly into numbness while listening to music that makes me feel unnaturally inspired/depressed at the same time. I just moved two weeks ago to New York, which is why I’ve been neglecting you (:( <<that’s a frowny face but with the parentheses risks being mistaken for someone in a toupe) and have thus been in a relatively constant state of shock, producing clashing feelings of invincibility/high energy and also complete insignificance/lethargy (I guess we are in the big city, right?). But tonight, rest assured, it all flooded out like an unstoppable vomit–a true rush of feelings with unabated urgency and tears and sorrow and happiness as I acknowledged for the first time since I’ve moved some of my feelings about leaving home, what home is, what love is, and similar pre-mid-post teen angst (of which I’m pretty sure I’m the latter BUT is still to be determined) to the closest friends I have on this spherical, floating planet. And now, feeling the true satisfaction of any good catharsis, I’m exhausted and am ready to lay in bed to await being dragged under. But I wanted to say hi…share (a synopsis of) my thoughts to accompany one of my brother’s photos taken on his trip to San Francisco/Portland/West Coast (i.e. WHERE was this picture taken, DD?!). Expect more photos, feelings, and love to come.
Goodnight and certainly always good luck,