All Posts Tagged ‘California


Still Life

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S/o to Jack Henry Robbins for this gem of a lazy groove

I just visited my parents, on an epic 36 hour trip to Texas. Epic, for how many conversations, how many laughs, how many nibbles, how many hugs and kisses and laying-in-laps were exchanged in such a short time! 15 cups of tea, 4 meals, 2 walks, 2 runs, 1.5 movies, 1 bike ride, 1 joy ride in my dad’s “GT-R”—according to him, a “once in a lifetime opportunity,” at which my mom scoffed and sighed, somewhat playfully, before eventually obliging by piling into the driver’s seat.

But what is really once in a lifetime, the occasion really worth cherishing, is spending time with my parents. And witnessing, feeling how our relationships change with time, how they ebb and flow, like watching the sun shimmer and float on the breathing ocean surface—so beautiful it’s hard not to stare and smile. Picking up with conversations we’ve had thousands of times, yet each time somehow new and not quite like the last. Sharing thoughts we’ve shared before, but hearing them differently now with time and new experience; sharing thoughts we haven’t shared before, and smiling because there’s still so much to learn about this person! This person I’ve known and loved my whole life, this person who is home, comfort, and familiarity, but changes and evolves just the same as myself.

It’s 4:38 am. I’m in the Abilene airport. I’m tired, but so, so happy.


I walk into my Palo Alto apartment, not many hours from when I left it Saturday morning. It feels like I’ve been gone on an expedition to the stars and back, but the physical evidence brings me back to earth: the same flowers I had bought earlier in the week greet me when I walk in the door, smiling as if they’ve been waiting.  

I take these photos around noon, 2/18/19, in a state of delirious calm. I make a salad, cook some vegetables, make some hot chocolate, pull things from the shelves, unpack groceries I just returned from getting. And turn to see this chaotic spread of beautiful mess and clutter. A beautiful mess that feels like home, because it’s sunflower oil left over from the holidays with my family, eden soy—my preferred brand of soy milk because Marilyn convinced me of this years ago—apple cider vinegar that I yelled at her for buying too much of, Kirkland brand Himalayan pink salt and tellicherry black pepper that our whole family has gotten into the habit of buying en masse, the same, but new greenpan pan we’ve used at home for years, a wonky cutting board Marilyn sent me from Williams Sonoma, a felted wool trivet Stephen and Melinda got each of us for Christmas. The sun’s beaming in through the windows, and I feel so good, as I look onto this beautiful mess of my home.  




I’m in a general state of existential malaise right now, so am posting this as my Jan. 22nd/23rd mood picture. More specifically, it really just makes me wanna cuddle up in bed and eat myself slowly into numbness while listening to music that makes me feel unnaturally inspired/depressed at the same time. I just moved two weeks ago to New York, which is why I’ve been neglecting you (:( <<that’s a frowny face but with the parentheses risks being mistaken for someone in a toupe) and have thus been in a relatively constant state of shock, producing clashing feelings of invincibility/high energy and also complete insignificance/lethargy (I guess we are in the big city, right?). But tonight, rest assured, it all flooded out like an unstoppable vomit–a true rush of feelings with unabated urgency and tears and sorrow and happiness as I acknowledged for the first time since I’ve moved some of my feelings about leaving home, what home is, what love is, and similar pre-mid-post teen angst (of which I’m pretty sure I’m the latter BUT is still to be determined) to the closest friends I have on this spherical, floating planet. And now, feeling the true satisfaction of any good catharsis, I’m exhausted and am ready to lay in bed to await being dragged under. But I wanted to say hi…share (a synopsis of) my thoughts to accompany one of my brother’s photos taken on his trip to San Francisco/Portland/West Coast (i.e. WHERE was this picture taken, DD?!). Expect more photos, feelings, and love to come.

Goodnight and certainly always good luck,